Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Entry for March 18, 2009

Just finished my third week of doctor prescribed diet and exercise; I am getting too weak to type … must have pizza … send help soon … cannot last much longer.

I started this program at 215 pounds … this morning I weighed in a 220 pounds; I am absorbing calories from the air I breathe and the water I drink. At this rate, I will be 260 pounds by July. Must have real food … must have bacon … will settle for breadcrumbs soaked in bacon grease. What is that I smell? Mmmmm … cat food …

The results of this diet warrant drastic action … there is only one way out … self-liposuction. Does a shopvac work for liposuction in the wet mode or the dry mode? Where did I put my caping knife …? The vac has a 5-gallon container … should be enough … I hope …


4 comments:

Mulligan said...

I think I must be on that same diet

James A. Zachary Jr. said...

Yeah, man. The joys of upper middle age ;)

Steve said...

Maybe you're building muscle.

When they deprive us Southerners of one of the basic food groups [bacon] we soon waste away . . . or gain weight; the result is unpredictable.

Billll said...

I remember an episode of Bloom County in which Bill the Cat was attempting to perform liposuction on Opus using a shop vac with a funnel on the intake.
The end results were nowhere near what the objections of Opus would have suggested.