Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day 2011

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“Buy her diamonds,” say the commercials on radio, television, and the internet. Cram it, it ain’t gonna happen. I don’t care how much these commercials try to shame me into feeling cheap or unsuccessful, there ain’t gonna be any Valentine’s Diamond. Nor will there be a new Lexus in the driveway, wrapped in a gigantic heart-shaped red ribbon.

Many women, if not most, hate Valentine’s Day. Not having a significant other, or having one who doesn’t deliver a gift, can be painful. Valentine’s Day is a cruel day of angst. Even if she has a love, and he has righteously shown up with a dozen roses year after year, eventually she will wonder why the loser hasn’t bought her a Rolex like Mr. Successful in the TV commercials.

The only guys who enjoy Valentine’s Day are trying to get laid. Most guys hate Valentine’s Day. Roses can jump to $100 a dozen in some areas, and giving the obligatory heart of chocolates is cliché and considered cheap. When she says she doesn’t want anything, you guys best know that you had better show up with something, and you had better hope she did not see that damn Lexus commercial.

The legend says St. Valentine died by execution. I am sure it wasn’t just revenge for womanizing. Once Valentine started giving out the gifts, he was doomed; the other men knew women would expect gifts forever. If Val had discreetly jumped from bed to bed, he would have died a worn out old man. Nope, he just had to start handing out his flowery business cards. The horny little bastard got what was coming to him; that short, fat, bald, incontinent hit man named Cupid put an arrow through Valentine’s cheatin’ heart.

We now need to find out if the fool that started Sweetest Day is still around, and if he is, we need to lynch his sorry ass.

With eternal love, and all of that other saccharin rot,

Your Valentine,

Zack

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4 comments:

Helene Burnett said...

Happy Non-Material Valentine's Day to you. I enjoyed your "rant" on manditory gifts. Guess I'm lucky that Art and I surprise each other with gifts for no reason, so V.D( Wow! Didn't realize what the abbreviation would come out as!) is no-stress. The little things (not jewelry) help to make the world go round.Sounds sappy, but it works. My last surprise? A wood handled Winchester pocket knife,a useful beauty.
Buy discount chocolate tomorrow and chomp those hearts to relieve angst! Lindor truffles are best; a surprise Art enjoys, too.

Arthur B. Burnett said...

Greetings from Texas,
Personally, I like the chocolate for Valentine's tradation, mainly because I like chocolate. When you give a girl a big box of chocolate, it's only good manners for her to share. I know it's chocolate I'm going to like, because I bought it.

Like Helene was saying, we tend to find gifts throug the year that the other will like. For that matter, why wait for some point in the future to give it.

I don't care for the "Shamed into giving a gift" mindset either. Gifts should come from the heart, not peer presure.

James A. Zachary Jr. said...

Heh! That brings back a fond memory of a tender moment. About a couple of decades ago on a Valentine's Day I handed my first wife the traditional box of chocolates... and she announced she wanted a divorce... she did however keep and eat the chocolates...

Arthur B. Burnett said...

Greetings from Texas,
Now see, if you were from Texas you would have told her she had to choose one or the other.