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Ante omnia armari
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Friday, September 21, 2007
Archive from September 21, 2007
The days have all become a blur. I am rarely sure what day it is. My brothers are worn out. I too am worn out. My older brother is holding everything and everyone together.
We have made a very difficult and painful decision. All medical treatment to extend Mom’s life has ended by our request. She is now under Hospice care. The doctors believe this is the correct decision. The nurses believe this is the correct decision. We believe it is the correct decision, and we believe it is what Mom would have wanted. She said so in her written directive, and her sisters say Mom has told them in earlier conversations that this would be best.
I sit with Mom for hours every day, talking to her and holding her hand. She will never answer, but I hope she finds comfort in my voice and my touch. Even though I believe stopping medical treatment to be the correct and proper course, a very small part of me has a doubt. Ninety-five percent of me believes she should be allowed to die naturally, in as much comfort as possible, with as much dignity as possible. Five percent of me wonders if this was the right thing to do. That five percent doubt is ripping my soul out. It would take a miracle to bring Mom back to health. I almost feel I am denying her that chance for a miracle.