Entry for August 13, 2007
Many years ago I was a member of an amateur personal computer communications network known as FidoNet. It was good fun; I learned a lot and met many wonderful people. That network had its own newsletter, and they were kind enough to publish some of my work. It was a pleasure to find that people moved some of that work onto different pages on the internet, where it can still be found today. The following is one.
FidoNews 4-29 Page 9 3 Aug 1987
James ZacharyFido 115/537Hotline! (2) (c) 1987James Zachary
The telephone at the water and sewage department is often busy with calls from customers concerned with public health matters.
Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Zack.
"Is this the water department?"
Yes Ma'am, for most of this area.
"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water."
I'll try to help.
"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"
You're not really serious.
"I AM SO!! My nipples ... they're hard and they have this white coating on them!"
Uhhhh, huh ... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh ... stuff...
"Not only that, they're getting warped!"
"They used to be soft, pink, and round!"
I'm sure they were.
"Now they really look disgusting!"
I'm sure they do.
"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"
I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?
"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!"
I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?
"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that."
Sounds painful. Can't you just sponge them off?
"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"
Now I understand.
"Are you going to buy me new ones?"
Why would we do that?
"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck ..."
May I ask how old your baby is?
"He's six, going on seven."
Six ... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the bottle.
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"
I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?
"Since he was born."
Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water ... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple ...
... and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years.
"So! You are refusing to pay!"
Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.
"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"
There is really nothing more I can do for you.
"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"
Well, why not grab your nipples and run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim.
"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"
They will investigate and make a judgment whether to settle or not.
"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?"
Just show them your nipples.
The Preacherman says, "My advice to you is to get yourself a gun and learn how to shoot." The Gunman says, "My advice to you is to get yourself a Bible and learn how to pray."
TRIGGER WARNING: Guns have triggers.
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