The Department of Homeland Security wants to sniff you

Did your Mom always remind you to wear clean underwear so she would not be embarrassed if you wound up in the emergency room?  Mine did.  If she were alive today, Mom now would now fear that Homeland Security would sniff me out of a crowd and perp-walk my dirty undies across network news.

The contraption that Homeland Security is alleged to be championing as a tool against terrorists actually has a bigger future in medicine.  When I went for my last physical, the doctor asked why I was wearing black underwear.  I told him that they were white but I neglected to change them regularly.  He huffed something about personal hygiene being key to good health and then went on to say that he needed a urine specimen, a stool specimen, a semen specimen, and a blood sample from me.  I just left him my underwear.  Since then, I have not worn underwear, but I am sure that Homeland Security already knows that.