New TSA Patdown Mandate: Male Air Travelers, Grab Them By The Balls; Female Air Travelers, Grab Them By The Pussy; Universal Butt Cheek Spread Check.

In an attempt to make your mundane air travel experience more of an adventure, the TSA is about to implement OPERATION FOREPLAY.  

The TSA patdown agents will be wearing new, easily identifiable uniforms.

Travelers should dress in a manner that will expedite the security screening process. 

 NOTE: LIMIT ONE TUGJOB AND ONE PROBING PER MALE PASSENGER!  

NO EXCEPTIONS!
Those caught changing clothes and returning to the head of the screening area will be forcibly ejaculated from the airport by TSA agents.

The TSA expects that a minority of travelers will have issues with this new policy.  Local Police Departments have been warned about the possibility of having some pissed off travelers trying to file chargers against the federally authorized TSA peekers, pokers, grabbers, and gropers.

As for Super Grandpa, NO PROBLEM!  BOOK HIM A FLIGHT!
He's looking forward to some hardcore TSA loving ...