Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Yard and garden update 2/21/2017; colors are mostly post apocalyptic but the weather for working outside is near orgasmic.


It was above 60F outside and sunny enough for me to get a burn on the tops of my bare feet.  This deplorable old hillbilly is getting things ready for SPRING FLOWERS by rebuilding the flower wall on the front patio (I usually redo the wall every year, just for the heck of it).  Yeah, I know; it is not smart doing brick and block work with bare feet …



(Above) Photo shows the front patio along with the driveway / sidewalk brick edging (I try to add a section of brick every year ... front yard, back yard, side of the house ... wherever the muse sparks).



(Above) This photo is from the end of last May.



(Above) The asphalt driveway is 17.5' wide, which is supposed to accommodate a pair of cars side by side ... but each car needs to be parked near their respective edge of the driveway in order to have room to open the doors at the center of the driveway... which means people are exiting onto grass (or mud once the grass is dead from people walking on it).   This 24'' wide brick edging helps a bit ... when I add a matching edge on the other side, the drive will then have an effective width of 21.5', which is a more realistic width for a two car driveway.



 Photo above from July 5th last year



Photo above from July 5th last year.






Tuesday, February 14, 2017

My 2017 Traditional Valentine's Day Sentiments


“Buy her diamonds,” say the commercials on radio, television, and the internet. Cram it, that just ain’t evah gonna happen. I don’t care how much these commercials try to shame me into feeling cheap or unsuccessful, there ain’t gonna be any Valentine’s Diamond. Nor will there be a new Lexus in the driveway, elegantly wrapped in a gigantic heart-shaped red ribbon.

Many women, if not most, hate Valentine’s Day. Not having a significant other, or having one who doesn’t deliver a gift, can be painful. Valentine’s Day is nothing but a cruel day of angst. Even if she has a love who has righteously shown up with a dozen roses year after year, eventually she will wonder why the loser hasn’t bought her a Rolex like Mr. Successful does in the TV commercials.

The only guys who enjoy Valentine’s Day are looking to get Fifty Shades of Laid. Most guys detest Valentine’s Day. Roses can jump to $100 a dozen in some areas, and giving the obligatory heart of chocolates is cliché and considered cheap. When your love says she doesn’t want anything for Valentine's Day, you guys best know that you had better show up with something, and you had better hope your sweetheart did not see that damn Lexus commercial.

The legend says St. Valentine died by execution and I am certain the truth is that it wasn’t just an act of revenge for his womanizing. Once Valentine started giving out the gifts, the little fornicator was doomed; his demise was a futile preemptive attempt to end the madness; all of the other men knew that if Val's antics caught on, women would expect gifts forever. If Val had only jumped discreetly from bed to bed he would have been allowed to die naturally with a big grin on his face, a very worn out but happy old man. Nope, he just had to start handing out his flowery business cards; "Roses are red, violets are blue, while you husban' be away, I'm a be humpin' on you."  The horny little proto-hillbilly bastard got what was coming to him; the way I heard it, that short, fat, bald, incontinent hit man named Cupid was commissioned to put an arrow through Valentine’s cheatin’ heart.

We now need to find out if the fool who started the "Sweetest Day" nonsense is still around, and if he is, we need to paint everything below his waist with honey and stake it to a Texas anthill.

With my eternal love, and all of that other unctuous saccharin rot, 

Your Valentine,

Zack 



Sunday, February 12, 2017

Big Mac Stabbing Attack Downtown Waukegan at the Sheridan and Grand McDonald's


UPDATE 2/14/2017:  CAPTURED!  High Fives all around to the Waukegan Police; they spotted the McStabber RETURNING to the scene of the crime on Tuesday morning, wearing the same jacket and mask.  The dude said he just felt like stabbing someone.

This happened a couple of days ago ... Friday, February 10, 2017 just before noon.  You would think that a Multi-Billion-Dollar Multi-National Franchise such as McD's could afford better quality security cameras;  this has to be one of the most laughable images ever released to the media; looks like the offender is possibly larvae of the Yeti ... until now, I thought I had the whitest legs on earth ...

Dunno if it is just from distortion, but it kinda maybe looks a little like Mr. or Ms. White Legs McStabber may be sporting some leg tattoos.  McStabber looks like he or she may be right-handed and may have rehearsed some Hollywood cinema knife moves; the 50-year-old McStabbing victim suffered multiple wounds but none were reported to be existentially significant.  Police reported that it initially appears McStabber and McStabbee did not know each other ... so we may have some weirdo doing this randomly, just for the hell of it; could be on a dare from peers; could be a social club initiation, could be he / she is just violently mental; for now, we don't know. McStabber was not very good on this attempt ... I would not want to bet on this schmuck remaining incompetent with a knife.

McStabber's mask looks like it may be something called an altitude (or elevation) training mask; I fished an image (below) from the 'net.

Call the Waukegan Police if you have anything that may help.
(847) 360-9001

All McStabbers are innocent until proven guilty by a court of law.


http://abc7chicago.com/news/50-year-old-man-stabbed-in-waukegan-mcdonalds/1748871/

http://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/lake-county-news-sun/news/ct-lns-waukegan-mcdonalds-stabbing-st-0211-20170210-story.html

http://wgntv.com/2017/02/10/man-stabbed-at-suburban-mcdonalds-police-seek-suspect/

http://www.lakemchenryscanner.com/2017/02/10/50-year-old-man-stabbed-mcdonalds-waukegan/








Friday, February 10, 2017

Lake County Illinois Gang Task Force arrests armed heroin dealers

Good cop news!

Sounds like it is an awesome catch.

All the folks arrested are presumed innocent etc etc etc ... and since Illinois is broke and our prisons are full, if convicted they likely will be back on our streets real soon anyway ...

The Lake County Sheriff’s Gang Task Force is made up of local and federal government agencies, including police departments from Lake Villa, Mundelein, North Chicago, Park City, Wauconda, Lakemoor, Grayslake as well as the FBI, DEA, ATF and the Department of Homeland Security.

CLICK on photo below to read the story ...

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Trumpocalyptic snowstorm hits the Middle East

... and as the Trumpets blared, the mighty Trump declared "HELL SHALL FREEZE OVER!"

CLICK on the images below, and TREMBLE!



Friday, February 3, 2017

Crowd for Punxsutawney Phil larger than at the inauguration of either Trump or Obama


The large crowd size in part may have been due to confusion about "Gobbler's Knob," many guys thinking that meant Madonna would be at the event to begin fulfilling her famous campaign promise.





Many international feminist organizations objected to the above photo, saying that it looked far too much like POTUS Donald Trump holding a beaver.






Punxsy Phil said six more weeks of winter; no early spring is in the forecast.  Americans reacted with their usual stoic resolve and dignity.



FALSE NEWS DISCLAIMER: I do hope y'all know that this blog post is a spoof ...