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Thursday, December 3, 2009

I love global warming


Dear Anonymous troll,

Thank you for your email. Sorry it took so long for me to reply, but your letter wound up in the spam folder. Somehow, you scrubbed your return address from the message header; that’s a very impressive trick. However, it does make for a one sided conversation. I’ll try to answer via this blog entry.

Although I find your ideas captivating, I am sorry to say that at my age I cannot possibly perform those sex acts on myself, especially using the items and animals that you suggested.

Seriously, I do hope the climate science that you so dearly love is true… but I hope that the Copenhagen summit falls flat. As a kid in the 1950’s and 1960’s, while slogging both to and from school through waist-deep snow, I grew passionately to hate the cold. As an adult, three decades of working outside in the brutal cold of winter took its toll on me. With each frost bitten step, I prayed that the world would miraculously warm. Today, if your scientists are truly righteous, carbon dioxide is the answer to my prayers. CO2, I love YOU! I won’t have to spend my retirement years in Florida.

Mr. (or Ms) Troll, please look on the bright side of global warming. If we no longer have winters, people will not need to pollute our planet by burning wood, coal, and oil for heat. Carbon dioxide emissions will be lower. Truly, I should win a Nobel Prize for my hypothesis that global warming and carbon dioxide are mutually limiting. I can draw a graph that looks like a hockey stick if you would like. Having no winter means longer growing seasons, which means more food for the hungry of the world.
Let them eat watermelon!

As for the projections of super hot summer weather, please bring it on. The rising sea levels should put the beach within a couple of hours driving time from my house. The oceanfront luxury resorts favored by our rich politicians will be long gone below the waves and make for some great offshore scuba diving sites.

Yeah, I dearly love this anthropogenic global warming thing. My descendents will thank me for it. Please don’t screw it up for them.

Warmest regards,


Zack




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